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Find Hope Here with Teresa Whiting - Christian Women (Bible Study, Faith, Sexuality, Freedom from Shame)
Find Hope Here is a podcast about holding the messy, complicated, painful parts of life alongside the beautiful, joy-filled hope that Jesus promises. Join Teresa Whiting each week as she digs deep into God’s Word and shares truths that impact our everyday lives. Listen in as you're walking, running errands, or folding laundry. No matter where you are or where you’ve been, you will always find hope here! To learn more visit: https://teresawhiting.com/listen
Find Hope Here with Teresa Whiting - Christian Women (Bible Study, Faith, Sexuality, Freedom from Shame)
Come As You Are: Finding Sexual Healing in Jesus with Dr. Carol Tanksley - Part 2 (SEXUAL WHOLENESS SERIES)
This week we continue our transformative conversation about sexual wholeness from a Christian perspective with Dr. Carol Tanksley. If you haven't heard Part 1 yet, listen here. Whether you're single, struggling with shame about your sexual past, or simply trying to understand how sexuality fits within your faith journey, this episode offers wisdom and practical guidance. Sexual wholeness begins with accepting this invitation to "just come" as you are, trusting that Jesus will meet you with gentleness and guide you toward healing.
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I believe what Jesus would say to you is just come If you're hurting and tired. Come If you're angry. Just come. If you're frustrated, if you feel sexually frustrated, if you're afraid that God is going to take the good parts of your life away from you and you're scared to come close because he might mess with you, just come. Whatever it is, just come. He is very gentle. He will not leave you the way he finds you, but he will fully accept you the way you are right now. Just come.
Speaker 2:Hi, friend, you're listening to Find Hope. Here. I'm your host, teresa Whiting. Author, speaker, ministry leader, friend and fellow struggler. This is a podcast about the messy, complicated, painful parts of life, but also the beautiful, joy-filled hope that Jesus promises. Each week we dig deep into God's Word together and talk about how his truth impacts our everyday lives. I'm not gonna ask you to sit with me and have coffee, because I seem to have my best conversations while I'm just doing life. So I'd love to hang out with you as you walk or fold laundry or drive to work. You're invited to join me in pursuing the hope God promises, no matter where you are or where you've been. I pray you always find hope here. Let's jump in to today's episode. Welcome back, friends.
Speaker 2:Today I'm continuing my conversation with Dr Carol Tanksley. I hope you heard last week's episode when she talked about the motivations of our heart. She dove deep into what is behind our sexual behaviors. She described the difference between sex and intimacy and the things that our hearts most deeply long for. She encouraged us to bring ourselves fully to Jesus and she even shared part of her own story.
Speaker 2:If you haven't heard that yet, you'll want to go back and listen to that first. So thank you so much, even just for sharing your story. I appreciate that. It's always so encouraging as you know, I love stories to hear somebody else's story and where God has brought them, and part of your story is that you were single for an extended period of time. You were married, you're single again, and I know that there's a lot of listeners who are single, and so how does a single person steward their sexuality in a God-honoring way? Because they still have a sex drive? Just because you're single doesn't mean your sex drive disappears. So can you talk to that person who's trying to figure out what do I do with my sexuality as a single?
Speaker 1:Yeah, great question, and that was, yes, part of what I had to deal with in looking at this for myself. First, I would encourage you not to hate your sexuality, not to despise that part of you, the part of you that is a sexual being God created. Now evil is messed with that in all kinds of ways Stuff that has happened to you and perhaps stuff that you have done in response, but that core part of you is the way God made you, and we were talking a few minutes ago about the difference between intimacy and sexuality. I would especially challenge a single person to wrestle with the question if you do want sex there are some who aren't particularly thinking about that but if you do, what is it that you are hungry for? We often put in the bucket of sex drive. That is more than biological. We'll talk about the biological, physical, in a second, but address the need in your soul to be connected, to feel valued, to feel seen and known by another. Jesus experienced that, and that's a legitimate part of being made in the image of God. Your need for connection and intimacy is part of you being made in the image of God. How can you point that in a healthy direction?
Speaker 1:In my opinion, the body of Christ has lacked a great deal in how it has dealt with single people's needs for connection. There's beautiful things in the body of Christ in so many ways, but this is often an area of lack. I believe the body of Christ in so many ways, but this is often an area of lack. I believe the body of Christ, as Jesus intended, would be the safest and most caring place to find true intimacy. But, as some people would say, the authentic intimacy that many people crave is more often found in the basement of the church than upstairs in the sanctuary, the basement meaning. That's often where 12-step programs are held, in the basement of the church, one to a few people who are truly seeking to know each other and be safe. That is a real critical need for all of us and perhaps especially so for singles.
Speaker 1:I would then say what do you do about your body? Because the physical hormones and sex organs and all of that is there. Remember Jesus as a human had sex organs and sex hormones. What did he do? First of all, there's a difference between sexual arousal and the pursuit of fulfilling that with a sexual activity To allow the arousal part of you to be just that you are awake to life. It is a vital force. That's part of who God made you. Don't despise that, but channel it, pointed in a healthy direction. That doesn't mean you didn't have to take off your clothes with somebody in bed. The alive part of you. Embrace that. And then the part of you that, for some, you may like to take your clothes off with somebody in bed, point that to Jesus. In other words, bring him right into the middle of that.
Speaker 1:I will sometimes encourage people to sanctify, consecrate their sex life, their sexuality, to Jesus explicitly, out loud. He made that part of you. Make him Lord of that part of you. Make him Lord of that part of you. If you have invited him to be your Savior, your eternity is secure with him. But is he also your Lord? Is he the Lord of your time, your money, your vocation? Make him Lord of your sex life.
Speaker 1:For people who are struggling in this area that may look like Jesus, for today, I again make you the Lord of my life, and I specifically make you the Lord of my sex life. For today, I determined that for today, my body, mind and soul will only be used in ways that glorify you, and you may need to pray that every day, maybe several times a day. Make it explicit in consecrating your sex life to Jesus and then take care of your body and your soul. The caring for your body and your soul in healthy ways, your body and your soul in healthy ways, make the explicit biological sex drive more able to be managed, to be stewarded.
Speaker 1:12-step programs sometimes talk about HALT. Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. You all know if you are struggling with some sexual behavior, you know you're a lot more vulnerable to that if you're lonely, if you're tired. So take care of this temple in a good way. As far as caring for your soul, an important thing there is make sure you are getting the internal nourishment that you need, the emotional nourishment, nourishment, time with, yes, but other things like beauty, inspiration, activity, connection with others. Find the nourishment your soul needs and you will have more resilience in stewarding and pointing the sexual part of you that God made in wise and healthy ways.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that because we talk a lot about how we are holistic beings and so all of that is intertwined and I think sometimes we put sexuality in its own little category, as though it's not connected to the rest of us, and I appreciate you talking about how even these other things taking care of what we're eating, how we're nourishing ourselves, if we're getting outside and breathing fresh air and all of those things work into a healthy human life, including our sexuality. So I love that. One of the things you talk about is a three-part pathway to wholeness and I'd love for you to just touch on that. I do want people to get your book, so I don't want you to give away all the secrets, but can you touch on that three-part path to wholeness?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I believe this is what you're referring to. First is an escape plan. You will be tempted. If anything has happened to you sexually or you have acted out sexually or whatever in that arena, you will be tempted. If anything has happened to you sexually or you have acted out sexually or whatever in that arena, you will be tempted again. God does miraculous things and there are times when he shows up, turns the light on for you and you are set free. But that does not mean you will not face temptation again. If the devil were eliminated today, there would still be plenty of pathways in your brain that would lead you in an unhealthy direction.
Speaker 1:So, whatever your brand of sexual brokenness is, learn what the triggers are for you and develop a robust, strong escape plan of what you will do at that moment. What will you do with your physical body if you're tempted to go to porn, for example, or masturbate whatever? What will you do with your body when you feel that temptation? It might be you clean the house, you go for a run, you read a book, you recite a scripture out loud, you go outside and put your hands in the dirt. I love dirt therapy. There can be a million things, but plan something you will physically do with your body, and then what will you do with your mind? What replacement thought will you put in your mind to counteract the swirling that often comes into our thoughts when we get into that kind of a temptation? I can think of an example of, in this case, a gentleman I talked with and he knew that every Friday evening he would be tempted. It seemed like every Friday evening was his pitfall. So what his escape plan included was, before he leaves work on Friday, he will decide something specific that he is going to fill his evening with, and that may include calling a friend.
Speaker 1:The first thing is an escape plan. The second part is find your people. You need at least one, and ideally a small number of people who are up in your business, who know your stuff, who will ask you the hard questions, challenge you, encourage you, pray with you, support you, walk with you through this. This is more than accountability although that, I believe, is an important piece but it is much more than okay. You call up once a week and say I failed or I didn't fail. This is people who are in your life and you are in theirs. This is hard.
Speaker 1:I don't do this part of life easily. I am not naturally somebody that gravitates to having a few people who I'm that intimate with. I have to exert conscious, ongoing energy to nourish that kind of connection. But remember Jesus did that. He needed it. So one way to think about this is who is your Peter James and John? If you don't have a Peter James and John in your life, start with one, find one prayerfully and stick your toe in the water. You you might have a conversation, something like God is stretching me. He's working on some things in my life and he's challenged me that I need to have a better connection with one or a few people. I'm wondering if you might be one of my people.
Speaker 1:Could, I talk about something and just start.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Just start.
Speaker 2:So often you have to be the one to go first. I think people are longing to go deep with somebody else, but they're always afraid to go first. So I love that. So you have your escape plan.
Speaker 1:Find your people, find your people and then pursue intimacy with Jesus. I talked about consecrating your sexuality to Jesus. Often, that's a key part of pursuing intimacy with him. This is different than, or more than, reading a list of daily Bible verses or going to church. Those things can be important and they are vital. Teresa, you're a pastor's wife and you and your husband, I know, have guided people in learning about God and worshiping God, and that's important. But what I'm talking about is letting your soul be seen by Jesus and opening those parts of you to him, both in your own closet and in the company of other believers. I believe God intended that it be both.
Speaker 1:When Jesus was here on earth, we read about the miracles and the teaching, but there were long periods of time when he was just walking with the disciples. For those three, three and a half years, they ate with him, walked with him, there were conversations. They were just doing life with him. Can you move toward doing life with Jesus? I think in part. That needs to include a daily time when you touch base with your best friend. What's the state of your soul? Am I angry right now? Okay, I'm angry. I point that anger to God. Am I sad or exhausted. Okay, jesus, this is where I am right now. Just be real with him. Invite him into that part of your soul and let him be there, let him speak to you so yeah, I love that.
Speaker 2:I hope that the listeners are saying yes, yes, of course, this is what I want. I love that you're talking about this relationship with Jesus as something that's real and almost tangible, because it is. It is, it's part of who we are. It's a communication. It's two ways. It's here I am, here's all of me, here's what I'm feeling right now. I'm bringing everything to him. So I appreciate that. I think those are such great advice. I'm over here furiously taking notes as you're talking, so it's wonderful. I'd love to kind of turn the conversation a little bit toward the person who has maybe been reluctant to bring their sexual story to God and maybe they've said God, you can have these areas, or even hasn't. Even maybe that person hasn't even known that they can, that they can bring their story to God. What would you say to them?
Speaker 1:Yeah, first of all, jesus understands that. I have frequently asked people how do you feel God feels about you, and the standard Christian answer might be well, I know God loves me. This isn't what you know intellectually. What does your soul feel about how God feels about you? The most common word I get is disappointed God. I feel like God is disappointed in me.
Speaker 1:That internal picture of God needs to be healed. It can be, but if you are feeling like God is angry with you, if your internal sense of God is that he's angry with you, why would you want to come close? That he's angry with you, why would you want to come close If he's disappointed with you? I may feel like I've got to work harder and clean myself up a bit before I dare kind of come close, and the shame keeps you from telling your story to other people and to Jesus. So first I would say you may need to borrow faith from somebody else for a while while you stick your toe in the water and take the next step. If you're listening or watching right now, I mean, take it from Teresa and from me. We've been there, done that. Your story is your story. But those of us who have walked at least a few steps ahead can say it's worth it.
Speaker 1:So you may need to borrow a little of that courage at first and just start, just start. I talked about how you might approach a person. How might you approach Jesus. I think one way is to write a letter. There can be all different ways of kind of trying to let those walls down. But if you could see Jesus in the room with you, what might you say? Write that in a letter. Maybe that would be very scary. Write that it's okay, he can handle it. Maybe you would be angry at him. Maybe it would be angry at well, why didn't you prevent that sexual abuse from happening? Or why didn't you prevent that rape from happening? Or whatever? It is okay. Tell them.
Speaker 1:We've got great evidence in the Psalms and many places in the Bible that God's very best friends brought their worst stuff to him. You can let it all hang out to him. Bring that to him if you're overwhelmed and you don't know where to start, say Say that I believe what Jesus would say to you is just come If you're hurting and tired. Come If you're angry. Just come If you're frustrated, if you feel sexually frustrated, if you're afraid that God is going to take the good parts of your life away from you and you're scared to come close because he might mess with you, just come. Whatever it is, just come. He is very gentle. He will not leave you the way he finds you, but he will fully accept you the way you are right now. Just come, just start. He won't push you any faster than you're willing and ready to go. Just come.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I love that. I was thinking as you were talking about the woman caught in adultery who was brought to Jesus, and he looked her right in the eye, he forgave her and he set her free and he accepted her just as she was and then he said from now on, go and sin no more. He wasn't setting her free just from her shame, but from her sin, and saying you're free to live differently now. But you didn't have to clean it all up before you got here, and I love that invitation that Jesus is saying just come. I hate it that we only have a few minutes left. This has gone so fast. So before we wrap up too much, I want to ask you how the listeners can connect with you.
Speaker 1:The easiest place to find all things around, dr Carol, is drcarolministriescom D-R-C-A-R-O-L. Ministriescom. And a couple things to point out there. Teresa, you showed the book's expectations and I'm so grateful that you did. That's been out a few months now, and I just want to mention again those places at the end of the chapters that you referenced where I just help walk you through experiencing Jesus in your story, bringing it right real to where you are.
Speaker 1:And then you can also go to our Sexpectations site, yoursexpectationscom. Be sure to put the your there, because otherwise you'll go someplace you don't want to go Yoursexpectationscom. You can find the book there, and we have a brand new resource, an online digital course as well. So if you like to read or listen to audio the book, the audio book is available. The book is available to read or listen to audio the book, the audio book, is available. The book is available to to read. But if you like something a little bit deeper, this online video course 10 modules and each of those includes a guided scripture reflection where I actually verbalize and walk the reader through those places of experiencing Jesus in your story, and there's some additional resources that go along with that course too. So if that's how you like to consume content and you want to go a little deeper. That course you can also find on that site.
Speaker 2:And I will have links to all of these things in the show notes. So just make sure you look through the show notes. And also I send out a weekly newsletter every week and so if you're on my email list, you will get all of this information and all of the ways you can connect with Dr Carol through that weekly email. But in closing, I would love it and you've already said so many beautiful, wonderful things to the listeners and I think you've really invited them to come to a place of healing and come to Jesus with their whole story but if you would, at the end here, just maybe to that listener who is feeling shame or embarrassment or pain as they begin exploring their sexual story, would you just give one final word of encouragement to them.
Speaker 1:Jesus wants to bring you healing. I might just take a 30-second pause here to say we do have an absolutely free resource. I believe you offered to make that available, teresa your prescription for sexual healing God's way. It's just a free, downloadable guide that you can get, and I'm honored to make that available to you, and what that does is it just helps you understand what the steps are to open that part of you that may be feeling shame and brokenness. My encouragement to you.
Speaker 1:If you are feeling stuck and mired in that shame and and brokenness and I'm too far gone, I there's no way. Jesus sees you. He sees you right where you are. There is absolutely nothing you can have done or could have done or could do in the future that could or will make him love you any less. He just plain loves you and, frankly, you're not big enough to make him not love you. You can't make him not love you and want you, just like the woman we referenced a bit earlier, the woman at the well. He says come, I see you, let's deal with this. I am a safe place where we can deal with all of this. Just come, take your tiny flicker of courage in your heart. It may be very small right now, but just see it as a little flame in your soul that, like you guard with your like with your, with your hands, and just let that flame up and just take a step, just the next step, and he will meet you and love you and it's going to be okay.
Speaker 2:Amen to that. Thank you so so much for being here, dr Carol. Thank you for your encouragement and your vulnerability and just the ways that you are serving people in this really tender space. So thanks for being here.
Speaker 1:Thank you so much, teresa. It's an honor, and many blessings to you and to all your listeners.
Speaker 2:Thanks for listening to Find Hope here. To find anything we mentioned on the episode, go to TeresaWhitingcom slash listen, which is where you can find all the show notes. Of course, I will have links to all of Dr Carol's resources her book, the free resource that she mentioned, her website and all the ways that you can connect with her. This month we are in a series that I'm entitling Sexual Wholeness. We talk a lot about brokenness around here, but the truth is, no matter what our story is and how we come to Jesus, how wounded or broken we've been, he can restore and redeem our stories and bring us to wholeness. I hope you're enjoying these episodes with Dr Slattery, dr Tanksley. I'm also going to be interviewing Dr Kurt Thompson and others.
Speaker 2:This is a series you're not going to want to miss any of the episodes for, so, with that in mind, you want to make sure that you're following the show, and you may even want to sign up for my weekly podcast updates. It's an email that you want to open every week. It tells you all the ways you can connect with the guest, and sometimes there's information that's only available to my. Every week, it tells you all the ways you can connect with the guest, and sometimes there's information that's only available to my email subscribers. You can sign up for the podcast updates through the link in the show notes. In closing, I want to leave you with this prayer from Romans 15 13. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing so that, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you may abound in hope.